Harry Potter and the Weird Guy's eternity stone
by MistyxKisame
Summary: My version of what should have happened in the HP series. Book 1 anyways.
1. Chapter 1

This is my very first HP fanfiction, so take it easy on me, ok? BTW most of this story bashes characters and contains slight yaoi and Yuri. Rated T for suggestive themes, slight sexual content, and lots of language. Don't like, then get the fuck out and stay out.

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"Harry! Harry James Potter! Get off your lazy butt, come eat and wash the dishes!"

"I'm coming!" I answered back. "You old sack of balls…"

"What was that?"

"Nothing!" I breathed a breath of relief. Finally, that old sack of goat poop was gone! Now I could stretch out my legs…Oh wait…I can't because those fat pigs made me have my bedroom a staircase closet! Not to mention that breakfast for me was probably bacon crumbles, toast crumbs, and even orange juice crumbs!

After trying to the best of my abilities to put on my hand-me-down jeans and shirt (which came from Dudley) in only an inch of space, I came out of the closet, only to be slammed back in by my fat grizzly of a cousin, Dudley. One of these days, I'm gonna smash his head in with a freakin' hammer, cook him, and feed him to his parents. I know it sounds a little dark, but hey, you'd say the same thing if your cousin was treated like a fat pig prince and you were treated like a slave.

When I had arrived in the kitchen, I was a little more than surprised to see a whole piece of bacon, some toast, about two giant spoonfuls of eggs, and some orange juice left in the carton. I silently thanked god that Dudley had gotten full and couldn't steal my entire portion like he sometimes did if he let me sleep late. As a matter of fact, he was the only reason I missed breakfast when he had to wake me up. I can only pray to god that something comes to suck his soul out (Hint: Year 5). Oh well…

After eating breakfast and washing the dishes, I decided to take a shower. It was a good thing that Aunt Petunia was gardening and that fat uncle of mine…uh…well it's not important…he was at work and wouldn't be home for hours. Something tells me he's going to get his thing on and hook up with that prostitute of his. Dudley was probably in his room being fat and doing whatever it is fat kids do. I wouldn't know…I'm never going to be fat with the way they feed me…

The first thing I did was use the towel on my floor to hide my glasses and clothes and climbed into the shower. The only good thing about the Dursley's is that if the shower was running in broad day light, they won't go investigate! As long as I didn't stay until after dinner, they wouldn't mind. The only thing I had to do was keep the door unlocked and the lights off. Otherwise they would know something wasn't right and lock me up in the closet for a week except to go to the bathroom or school.

Just as I was soaking up the hot water (and using it all up), the lights flashed on. Taking no worry about it, I went back to showering. Sometimes I like to make a game out of hearing people crap or pee. It's even funnier to listen to Dudley and Uncle Whats-his-face grunt while they poop. Disgusting? Only if you don't live in a closet. Suddenly I heard the sound of pants unzipping and someone's fat ass sitting on the toilet. To my surprise, I heard what sounded like my name being called over and over.

'Whatever you do, don't…peek…' Being the curious type I slowly peeked around the corner of the shower curtain.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHH!" we both screamed.

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"WHAT WERE YOU DOING PEEKING IN ON DUDLEY?!" yelled Aunt Petunia.

"What you should be asking is why he was moaning and stroking his thing to my name!" I yelled back.

"Don't you dare yell at your aunt you scrawny brat!" Uncle Fatso yelled at me. "And why would our precious Dudley even want to stroke himself to you or your stupid name. You're the only thing that ruins classic names like Harry and James."

"Well you ruin a good name like…" before I could say the rest of my sentence, Uncle Lard-o grabbed me by the back of my shirt and shoved me into the closet.

I cursed the stars that my cousin was getting away with yet another crime of the century. I could have only wished that I could have seen Fatso Jr.'s face.

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Well that's it for chapter one. This will sort of be like my Alternate DBZ series. Book 1 will be this one and so on. Stick around for the next chapter.


	2. Chapter 2

After a while, the Dursleys finally let me out of the closet and during the time in the closet I had thought about school. Damn. My life was a complete mess. At school, nobody liked me. Not one fucking person. It was mainly because of Dudley and his gang…that and the fact that I wore glasses that made me look like Steve Urkel. No, worse than Steve Urkel!

Here's what my day consisted of. In the mornings at school, I didn't have to worry about Dudley and his stupid gang bullying me because they were too busy taking other kids' lunch money. I knew that they would come and chase me in about twelve minutes, so I decided to think about going to hang around some girls. Normally, I would have turned my nose up at the bare thought of going near a bitch. Yes, all girls are bitches to me; especially the red haired poor white trash ones. I swear to god if I marry a red haired girl, who is the only female child with more than four equally red haired brothers, one of whom becomes my best friend because we share the same views and I secretly find him cool, and we have three children together, somebody's gonna pay (1). After I hide from Dudley's gang, I decide to not hang with the girls for fear of red heads and trailer trash. The rest of the day is just school and then there is lunch. I have to eat lunch in the bathroom stall to keep Dudley from finding me. Then when we go home, I lock myself in the closet while Dudley either does whatever fat kids do or brings his gang over. That's pretty much it I guess. I wonder if this school year will be any better.

"Marge just called. She can't get the boy." Aunt Petunia sighed. "She broke her ankle."

Yes! I could finally stay at home. I no longer had to put up with her stupid cats and having nothing to do over there. They were going to the zoo for Dudley's birthday and since I had never been to a zoo before, I was pretty excited. Of course as long as I either got to stay home or went to the zoo, I won either way. But then of course, Dudley just had to bitch about it.

"But I don't want him to come with us!" whined the little bitch. "He'll ruin everything! Can't we just leave him at home?"

"I suppose we could…" At that moment I loved my aunt more than life itself.

"Oh no, we won't!" Uncle Fatso yelled. "I won't be returning to my house just to have a heart attack!"

"I DON'T WANT HIM TO COME! WAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Good god! I've never heard someone whine that much in my life! How the fuck was I supposed to mess up a simple trip to the zoo? All there was to do was to look at the animals and not try to get into the monkey cage even though I really want to. Dudley just wanted to be a little brat and have his way all of the time! When was it gonna be my turn?! WHEN?!

"Then we'll leave him in the car." Aunt Petunia suggested.

'To die of heat stroke? No thanks!'

"No way! That car's new!" seeing no way out, he finally agreed I could go. In my head I did a little happy dance. I would have done it in the bathroom but even alone I'm a bad dancer.

"And no funny business boy." he gave me a stern look.

"How can I?"

"Where there's a will, there's a way."

"I SAID I DON'T WANT HIM GO! I ALSO SAID WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Dudley said even louder than the last time.

"I'm sorry honey, but he has to come." no matter what Aunt Petunia said, Dudley still pretended to cry like little baby. If only his gang were here to see this.

Dudley finally shut the fuck up when Malcolm came to come with us. I was pretty excited to go to the zoo and even a bit nervous. Would any bears or lions get out of their cages? If so, all I had to do was run faster than Dudley. Quite a joke I'm sure.

When we arrived at the zoo, there was so much to see! All those animals with big ass teeth and fuzzy fur made me wanna wet my pants. Not even the Dursleys or Malcolm could ruin this day! When Fatso bought Dudley and Malcolm some ice cream, the lady was nice enough to actually ask me what I wanted. Before Uncle Lard-o could say anything, I asked for a small vanilla and chocolate swirl ice cream. Of course Uncle Fat ass had to pay for it and handed her over the money. Since it was a small ice cream, he didn't bitch about it. I sometimes wonder why Dudley can't be like Aunt Petunia and stop bitching about everything like his old man.

Finally we went to the snake house. I prayed that one of the largest snakes they had got loose and scared the hell out of Fatso Jr. and his crony. I would have prayed for more, but I knew the police would possibly trace it to the zoo and the Dursleys would sue the crap out of them and Fatso Sr. would take me into the backyard and shoot, where afterwards I would crawl into the woods and die. Now that I think about it, they probably won't even try to kill me. Then I gasped in horror to myself. Would they try and conceive another baby? Fat people sex almost made me throw up at the thought. Truth be told, Aunt Petunia wasn't that bad looking, she was just fat. Did she catch Uncle Fatso's fatness? How did she come to marry a fat-ass like him anyways? Maybe because he was skinny at one point…that or he was wearing a girdle when they met.

"Dad, this stupid snake won't move!" Dudley was tapping on the glass trying to make it move.

"It's probably asleep Dudley." Uncle Lard-O tapped on the glass.

After they had walked off, I stared into the glass container. Poor thing. I felt bad for him. He and I were just alike. Both of us were always locked up with limited space and were bullied and bothered all the time. Did his parents die too? At least his parents didn't break the law by driving drunk. Suddenly he opened his eyes and looked at me.

"Hey big guy!" I waved at him. To my surprise, he waved back too…with his tail of course. "So where are you from?"

He just pointed at a sign. It said that he was from Brazil but was raised in the zoo. Interesting. Before I could continue to speak to my new friend (who wasn't poor), Dudley's fat ass came in and pushed me out of the way. Suddenly I heard screams. The glass in front of the snake cage had disappeared. As luck would have it the snake slithered out and snapped at Dudley and Malcolm's heels. I looked up at the sky.

"I thank you god."

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Sorry if this chapter isn't as funny as the first chapter. It gets even better in the next chapter.

(1) I have nothing against Ginny or her family.


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